“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.” - E.E. Cummings
The more I live as myself, the more I like it. Like a toaster that is toasting bread or a kettle that’s boiling water - it is what I am made to do.
It’s hard to remember ever not feeling the pressure to be someone or something else.
Bigger, cleverer, cooler, better, stronger.
It is what the advertising industry breathes on. We all wish we had skills, strengths and qualities that we have no natural instinct for. To live and breathe without the desire or pressure to be someone else is the freedom we all seek.
There is almost no greater place where we feel those pressures than when we are in roles of ministry. There is an expectation that we should have a certain “character” to lead. There is mould to fit:
‘Christian Leader’ = a nice person
Trouble is I’m not that nice. Not all the time anyway.
“Almost every man wastes part of his life in attempts to display qualities which he does not possess, and to gain applause which he cannot keep” - Samuel Johnson
Being me is often quite frustrating because I am so limited. And because I want to be brilliant.
I want to be an outstanding Husband, Father, Servant, Pastor, Singer, Song Writer and Artist. I want to make brilliant things. I want to foster brilliant relationships. I want to be brilliant. But I am limited, unsure, insecure and lacking confidence.
But sometimes The One who really is brilliant shines through me. His image, that I am made in, comes out of the mess and confusion. He tells me that He loves me and that He is pleased. And He wants more of me. Not less.
“Every man knows well enough that he is a unique being, only once on this earth; and by no extraordinary chance will such a marvelously picturesque piece of diversity in unity as he is, ever be put together a second time.” - Friedrich Nietzsch
We often have a subconscious understanding that says that we need to be diluted by God. (Which is a misunderstanding of “He must become greater; I must become less” - which is about belonging to God). He does not want to water us down with rules, laws and commands so that we become obedient, characterless robots.
Rather than dilute us, He wants to distill us. Purify us. Rid us of impurities. So that He is left with the raw ingredients that He has chosen. No masks. No lies. No imitations. Just us - as He made us.
There is nothing wrong with having role models and heroes and positive influences.
Yet when I get to see God face to face He won’t ask me why I wasn’t King David or Thom Yorke or Chris Tomlin or Mark Bailey. He will ask me why I wasn’t David Gate. Why did I pretend? Why did I hide? Why did I fear?
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” - Dr. Seuss
The older I get the less I care what other people think. And I didn’t really care that much in the first place. Recently I had a big dip in confidence. I was sure that the things I was talking and writing about were just cynical rants. Then Emilie, my wife, said she had read one of these things and was really proud of me for what I was saying and for being myself. That one encouragement, from someone I love, dissolved the countless questions and doubts I had in myself.
I can do a good and satisfactory job of impersonating others - or I can thrive being myself. Not everyone is going like me - but they don’t matter. Being popular is easy. Being myself is “the hardest battle” - but one worth fighting
dg
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