What I think about when I worship.....

I wish I could write here that when I worship all that I think about is God. That my only considerations are of Him and who He is. I wish I could say that when I worship God I am relieved of all thoughts of myself. I wish I could tell you that, but I can't.

Certainly that is what I try to do. To only think of God. To become so enraptured in the divine that my sense of self vanishes. I have been taught that is the right thing to do, and I think it is. To try, that is. But I feel like a failure and a fraud. Rather than becoming fixated on the transcendent nature of God I find that when I see Him, when I love Him, when I worship Him, I often end up thinking about me; my life; my heart; my worth and many other facets of my existence.

I can't help it.

As soon as I realise that I've drifted into thinking about me again, I quickly repent like an eager Catholic to a priest, and try to do better by concentrating really, really very hard on God. This includes scrunching my eyes shut so tight that it begins to hurt - repeating my mantra "I become less, You become more, I become less, You become more, I become less, You become more"

Then if I'm lucky, the worship will finish quite soon and I can relax my face muscles and feel the relief of being able to think of myself again without the guilt wringing thoughts that I am a self-centred, narcissistic, pride filled, fraud of a worshipper.

God must be pleased. But I probably should do better next time.

So I've been wondering:

Why is it that I can't manage to worship the way I 'should'?

Why are my heart and mind so easily turned?

Am I so filled with rampant ego and pride that my worship is doomed to failure?

And in chewing this over I've realised:

God loves me. And that is the truth.

God gave His Son for me. And that is the truth.

God made me in His image. And that is the truth.

God wants to reveal Himself to me. And that is the truth.

God has a plan for me. And that is the truth.

God knew me before I knew myself. And that is the truth.

God is living in me. And that is the truth.

God is speaking to me. And that is the truth.

God is lifting me up. And that is the truth.

God is transforming me to be more like Him. And that is the truth.

God welcomes me as a friend. And that is the truth.

God cherishes me as a son. And that is the truth.

Humility is not the absence of self. It is to view yourself modestly. Appropriately. And it is impossible to see God and not see His love. His love for me, for you, for all the world.

In the middle of our worship He will speak to us; He will convict us; He will comfort us; He will delight in us.

That is the mystery of this ontological circle. That as I ponder in awe who He is, I begin to understand who I am. And from there I look to Him again in wonder and mystery. That He would love me.

This is humility - to know God's love and to bow before it. To take the crown He gives us and lay it down. And when He puts it back on our heads we are humbled again and compelled to lay it down at His feet once more.

When I worship I realise that He loves me.

And that is the truth.

dg